Sleep Evades Me

So, I've gotten all over an hours sleep. Would have gotten a little more, if I hadn't of been rudely woken, by my sister, asking me if I could work. Course, I can't just say no ... and leave it at that. Had to have my parents ring me as well. All up I had 3 phone calls in half an hour. So a little before 8am I bit the bullet and decided to get up. Xander followed suit not long after.

And like always, a little before eight, I got to wondering if this is all worth it? If I can't talk to him, and express myself in terms of everything that's happened, if I'm forever worrying about what to say and what not to say ... is it worth being here?

You know I can tell you the last time I was truly happy. It was the long weekend back in March of this year. We went to Yallingup ... Rhyce, Xander and myself ... along with Rhyce's parents. But then that was before the shit hit the fan, and he begins to fall for somebody else online. Jealous? No, contrary to what Rhyce may think. I'm hardly jealous. Hurt beyond belief yes. Hurt and confused for a myriad of reasons. Six months into our marriage, and he was already finding it too constricting. I don't even know what to make of the last six months since it all began. I've screamed and I've fought, and tried everything since I found out three months into their "relationship". I've cried more than I would have liked. I'm still crying.

I sit here now, as I have done for a while, thinking and perhaps knowing intuitively that this baby won't make it to the 40 week mark. I've been under stress of some description since the very beginning. Almost 26 weeks so far of it barely seeming real. This is the second time in as many months, that I've been awake over 24 hours with little or no sleep. I've got another 8 hours to go before I can finally crash without having to worry about Xander because he too, will be asleep.

I don't feel like I'm pregnant. If it wasn't for the now constant kicking ... well that's really the only thing that assures me she's still in there ... surviving.