Sleep Evades Me

So, I've gotten all over an hours sleep. Would have gotten a little more, if I hadn't of been rudely woken, by my sister, asking me if I could work. Course, I can't just say no ... and leave it at that. Had to have my parents ring me as well. All up I had 3 phone calls in half an hour. So a little before 8am I bit the bullet and decided to get up. Xander followed suit not long after.

And like always, a little before eight, I got to wondering if this is all worth it? If I can't talk to him, and express myself in terms of everything that's happened, if I'm forever worrying about what to say and what not to say ... is it worth being here?

You know I can tell you the last time I was truly happy. It was the long weekend back in March of this year. We went to Yallingup ... Rhyce, Xander and myself ... along with Rhyce's parents. But then that was before the shit hit the fan, and he begins to fall for somebody else online. Jealous? No, contrary to what Rhyce may think. I'm hardly jealous. Hurt beyond belief yes. Hurt and confused for a myriad of reasons. Six months into our marriage, and he was already finding it too constricting. I don't even know what to make of the last six months since it all began. I've screamed and I've fought, and tried everything since I found out three months into their "relationship". I've cried more than I would have liked. I'm still crying.

I sit here now, as I have done for a while, thinking and perhaps knowing intuitively that this baby won't make it to the 40 week mark. I've been under stress of some description since the very beginning. Almost 26 weeks so far of it barely seeming real. This is the second time in as many months, that I've been awake over 24 hours with little or no sleep. I've got another 8 hours to go before I can finally crash without having to worry about Xander because he too, will be asleep.

I don't feel like I'm pregnant. If it wasn't for the now constant kicking ... well that's really the only thing that assures me she's still in there ... surviving.

The Path of Thorns

Again, a rather interesting and befitting song, when one actually listens to the lyrics...

Knew you wanted to tell me
In your voice there was something wrong
But if you would turn your face away from me
You cannot tell me you're so strong
Just let me ask of you one small thing
As we have shared so many tears
With fervor our dreams we planned a whole life long
Now are scattered on the wind...

[CHORUS]

In the terms of endearment
In the terms of the life that you love
In the terms of the years that pass you by
In the terms of the reasons why

Through the years I've grown to love you
Though your commitment to most would offend
But I stuck by you holding on with my foolish pride
Waiting for you to give in...
You never really tried or so it seems
I've had more than myself to blame
I've had enough of trying everything
And this time it is the end...

[CHORUS]

There's no more coming back this way
The path is overgrown and strewn with thorns
They've torn the life-blood from your naked eyes
Cast aside to be forlorn...

[CHORUS]

Funny, how it seems that all I've tried to do
Seemed to make no difference to you at all...

So true, sadly so very true.

Contemplating Life As I Know It

So, it's 1:47am in the morning, Saturday 29th September 2007. I can't sleep, although I should be sleeping. I'm bored and restless and amongst other things, I'm stressed, frightened of tomorrow (or today), frustrated, angry and bordering on just plain not wanting to be here anymore. Frightening. Not really. Oddly enough, pain doesn't appeal to me. It's not a release. Hell, I don't know what my release is. If writing's it, then I must just be more depressed then even I realize. Because it's been the last thing on my mind. The creation process just isn't burning as brightly as it should. Even November is looking very much like I won't hit the 50,000 word limit. Suddenly the desire to push myself to write 1,667 words per day, just doesn't seem as fun, as it was the last 2 years. I suppose we'll see soon enough.

Speaking of being creative. I found a song, that oddly enough fits my current situation to a tee. It's a Sarah McLachlan song. It's titled Plenty.

I looked into your eyes
they told me plenty
I already knew
you never felt a thing
so soon forgotten all that you do
in more than words I
tried to tell you
the more I tried I failed
I would not let myself believe
that you might stray
and I would stand by you
no matter what they'd say, I would have thought I'd be with you
until my dying day
until my dying day
I used to think my life
was often empty
a lonely space to fill
you hurt me more than
I ever would have imagined
you made my world stand still
and in that stillness
there was a freedom
I never felt before
I would not let myself believe
that you might stray
and I would stand by you
no matter what they'd say, I would have thought I'd be with you
until my dying day
until my dying day

And so I listened to it and found myself wondering how I missed the lyrics. How I missed really hearing them. I guess maybe I really do get carried away in the music rather than the lyrics at times.

So I'm sitting here now, currently, at 2:20am, trying to decide what to do, and where to go from here.

It's gotten so I'm fighting myself. I know I should leave, but at the same time, I can't leave. I can't even say why I can't leave, other than to say that something is keeping me here. I want to say its Love, but I'm not sure it is. Or if it is, I'm a sucker for punishment. I don't even know why I was so stupid as to believe him in the first place.

Everyone keeps telling me, eventually I won't deny Rhyce of a relationship with his children. Or that I won't be able to deny him. So when he's making me feel like absolute shit, I can't retaliate in any way at all? By taking away the things that mean the most to him? Why aren't I allowed to make him feel as horrible as he makes me feel? He won't even let me yell at him. How fair is that. He's a two faced, manipulative, attention seeking, selfish prick.

I doubt he even cares, that I've stood by him through everything. Everything. I've offered him all of me, and it means nothing to him. No all he cares about and rants about, is the fact that he didn't get sex on his wedding night and then again on his 1st anniversary. Yeah, like I really felt like giving anything, when he'd all but ruined it.

So he's depressed and lost. Really? Maybe just maybe, if he took his medication more than once every 3 or 4 days he'd be better than he is. Or maybe if he started being truthful. Too many maybe's. I could go on.

I don't know, why am I even writing this? Its not like I'm going to get the answers I want. But I suppose it keeps me from myself, even if it is only for a little while. It's too early to be bugging people with this shit. And I'm not sure I really want to anyway. There's only so much people can take, before they too get bored.

So, to stay or to go ... ooh sounds a little like Shakespeare. 3 times the charm right? I hope so, cause right now I'm not sure I can leave. No, I can't leave. I don't want to leave. I'm not ready to admit defeat. Really didn't get far did I? I don't even know what's going to happen tomorrow. If he even meant what he said about leaving. I don't want him to leave. I've never wanted him to leave. I've just wanted him. That's all. But he can't even give me that. He can't give me himself, anymore because its all too engulfed in her. I can't believe otherwise, because I don't know otherwise. He's lied and lied and lied to me. He can't even tell the truth about the simplest of things anymore. He's guilty and he knows it, he can't cover his tracks, but lies anyway. Because its easier than being truthful.

Great. 3:15am and I am well and truly awake. Later on is going to be a killer. Maybe I'll get a little sleep around 5am. At least that way it'll be an empty bed because Rhyce is at work, instead of down the hall in the spare room.